Chapter 5
Chris came the next day, late in the afternoon.
They were sitting once again on the soft sandy ground in the boulder’s shade, both fully dressed now. Josiah was sitting with his back against the stone, Mary lying across his lap, his arms around her. Her head was resting against his chest; her eyes closed, her body relaxed. She wasn’t asleep; neither of them had slept since the night before. They were sitting now in exhausted quietude, drawing what comfort they could from each other’s nearness.
Josiah lifted his head suddenly and put his hand on his revolver, which was always within reach. Mary had sensed nothing, but when they both heard a long whistle whose tone dropped at the end, Josiah relaxed. "It’s Chris."
Mary didn’t move.
"Come on, Mary, get up." Josiah put hand up to stroke the side of her face. "Chris will be here in a minute."
"Well, we’re dressed." She remained where she was.
"But he is not going to find us like this. Get up, Mary!"
"Why not? He’ll know soon enough." Her arms were stubbornly holding on to him.
Josiah shook his head impatiently. "This is not the time to argue about this. Get up!" He put her firmly away from him, slid out from under her, and stood up.
She was frowning when she looked up at him, but in a moment her face cleared. "I’m sorry. You’re right." She took his outstretched hand and rose.
Chris appeared around the bend in the trail, smiling as much as Chris ever smiled.
"Took you awhile to get’im!" was Josiah’s greeting.
"Funny thing is, he’s been dead for over two weeks. ...Hullo, Mary. Some of his hired hands decided they needed his money more than he did, I guess. They were smarter about hiding his body than they were about splashing the cash around though. Seemed kinda suspicious they were so flush when they hadn’t done nothin’ to earn it that we could see. They hightailed it before we could ask questions, so it took us awhile to find ol’ Hannibal, but we found him. He’s dead all right."
"Good! Maybe it’s not kind, but I’m glad he’s gone." Mary looked a little uncomfortable about what she had said. "He wasn’t a happy person."
Josiah came to her rescue. "When a man’s loony, if he’s not dangerous he should be left loose to do the best he can, in my book. But if he’s gonna hurt anybody, then he’s better off dead. Trouble is, you can’t tell who’s dangerous and who ain’t. Guess that’s why they lock’em up."
Mary looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "Well done! A quick reversion to type, Josiah."
"Huh?" He knew exactly what she meant, but his eyes avoided hers. He turned away. "Well, if we’re gonna get out of here in the mornin’, we’d best get crackin’." He began to gather up the small items that three weeks of living had spread around the cave mouth.
Chris leaned against the wall, watching Josiah work and looking speculatively back and forth between him and Mary. Josiah kept his eyes on what he was doing, avoiding looking at Mary. He knew Chris pretty well; at least well enough to know that he was very quick. Not much got by him. Josiah was afraid that his feeling for Mary would be apparent if he looked at her.
But Mary felt no such hesitation about making her feelings known. After watching them for five minutes as they worked around the cave mouth, Chris had a clear enough picture of the situation to want to investigate further. He stood up straight from his slouch against the wall and drifted into the cave. As he had suspected, there was only one bed, one big enough for two.
*********
The two men went for water in the
late afternoon, leaving Mary to cook the evening meal. When they
were out of earshot of the cave, Chris went straight to the point.
"You gonna make an honest woman of her?"
"She is an honest woman, Chris. Nothing I could do could change that."
"Don’t dodge me, Josiah! What the hell went on up here?"
Josiah stopped, put down his buckets, and turned to Chris. "Look. There’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t said to myself a hundred times. It happened, and I’m in love with her---with everything that’s in me, Chris. I’d marry her in one minute if I thought it was right for her. But she...she’ll change her mind when we’re off this mountain. I know she will. And she deserves better than me.
"I guess I’m hoping you won’t push this. In your place I might think the same way you are right now, but I’m thinking of her, of what’s best for her. She’s not for me, Chris. She’s going to realize that pretty soon now, and if we just let it happen, just keep this between us, no real harm is done, is it? If I were a different man...well, I’m not. Let it go, Chris. Please, for Mary’s sake, let it go."
Chris stared hard at Josiah, saying nothing, assessing his sincerity. He straightened suddenly, his decision made. "All right. I think you’re tryin’ to do the best thing for Mary. You know the situation better’n me, so…all right, I won’t say nothin’ or do nothin’. You handle it the best way you can for Mary."
Josiah held out his hand. "The best for Mary is all I want in this world or the next."
"Done." The handshake sealed the bargain, and nothing more was said on the subject.
******
Mary spent the night alone in the
cave; the men slept outside the entrance, on the sandy ground under the
boulder. Before dawn the next morning they were up, packing the horses,
preparing for the long ride home.
They set out just as the sun was coming up. Chris rode beside Mary, Josiah following with the pack horse tied behind his saddle. Chris was his usual laconic self, but after a few minutes he spoke. "Mary, I wired the Judge that you were coming back. If he got it, he and Billy should be there when we get to town."
"Oh, Chris, thank you! I’ll be so glad to see him...I bet he’s grown just since I left!" She reached over and put her hand on Chris’s arm, stretching to reach him riding beside her. "That was a kind thing to do. Thank you so much."
Josiah,
riding behind them, watched the little interchange. His eyes darkened,
and he looked away quickly, saying nothing.
*******
Billy was waiting, standing on the
edge of the walk, leaning far out to look for his mother, but obedient
to his grandfather’s admonition to stay out of the street. Mary saw
him immediately, and urged her tired horse into a trot, anxious to feel
small arms around her again.
Josiah watched the reunion of mother and child, his face wooden. When Mary turned back to her escorts, Josiah dismounted and busied himself lifting her saddlebags from her horse and carrying them into the building. He set them down inside the door, then faced Mary, looking at her for the first time. "Been a good trip. I’ll stable your horse. ‘Bye." His voice was low and very impersonal. When she put her hand on his arm he brushed by it without looking at it. He picked up her horse’s rein, remounted, and was gone. Chris watched the exchange with an expressionless face, then he too rode away, lifting a hand to Mary in goodbye.
********
In the following days, Mary saw
Josiah only in passing; she knew that he was avoiding her. She was
working long hours in the newspaper office, trying to catch up from three weeks of
absence, but her attention turned continually to him. He spent a
great deal of time in the saloon, playing cards, and she knew he was drinking
heavily. From the newspaper office across the street, she saw him
several times leaving the saloon late at night, his steps unsteady as he
headed for the church and his bed there.
One night he left the saloon earlier than usual. Mary watched him start down the street toward the church, not very steady on his feet, and her heart ached so for him that some action was imperative. She took off her apron, looked in on her sleeping son, and left the building. She followed his retreating figure, still visible walking slowly toward the church. She caught up with him just as he entered.
"Josiah? Please, I need to talk." As she spoke they were inside. She shut the door behind her and waited. He stood still, his back to her, tension apparent in his body even in the gloom. A half dozen candles on the altar at the other end of the room were the only illumination. When he spoke, he said what she was afraid he would say. "There’s nothing to talk about. It’s over. We knew it would be over. Go home, Mary."
"No! It’s not over, it’ll never be over! I never agreed to this; I don’t understand why you’re doing this to us! I love you, Josiah! Please, please at least help me to understand why you’re doing this."
"Mary...leave me! I can’t.... Oh God..." His face dropped down into his hands. "Just leave!"
She took a step forward and laid her hand on his shoulder. He flinched when he felt her touch, and after a moment’s breath-held stillness he gave in. He whirled and his arms came around her, pulling her to him with violence. He kissed her face, her neck, her hair, her ears. "My sweetest love...querida, I want you...I’ve missed you so much...I adore you...." When finally his mouth covered hers, both of them were lost immediately in the heat of the kiss.
After long moments he lifted his head, separating from her mouth reluctantly, driven by the need to breathe. He looked down at her for a moment, then swept her up, carried her into the little room that was his living quarters, and laid her on his bed. He dropped down beside her and his hands went immediately to the buttons on the front of her dress; but between the alcohol’s effect and his frenzy of excitement, he fumbled to no avail. "I want to see you...get this off! Get it off!"
She stopped him before he ripped her bodice. "Wait, my love—wait, I’ll get it!" Her hands fumbled nearly as badly as his, but she got it unbuttoned, and bared her breasts to him. His mouth came down hot and seeking, and she lifted herself into his touch, wanting it as much as he, needing to feel his mouth on her again. "I’ve missed you...I’ve needed you so...." Her hands were on his head, holding him to her, pressing him closer. "I love you! Josiah, come into me, I want you inside me…" She writhed under him, ready for him instantly.
They didn’t wait to get all their clothes off. There was more fumbling with fastenings, both of them impatient, unable to get it done fast enough. He entered her with a groan of gratification, the heat of her body so wonderful, so welcome to his starved senses. Mary lifted her hips and began a rhythmic movement in an immediate drive toward satisfaction. He let her make the beginning, accepting her movements, letting his body feel her again, feel her wanting him, feel her showing him how much she loved having him inside her. But as his excitement became almost unbearable, he took command.
Mary relinquished control gladly, lying under him more quietly now, letting her body accept him, feeling his desire for her, absorbing into herself his beloved presence inside her again at last. They came to the moment of climax very quickly and at exactly the same time, both of them crying out in the extremity of sensation, each of them holding on to the other with frantic intensity while ecstasy stormed through them, shaking them to the soul.
They quieted slowly, breathing becoming more regular, heartbeat stabilizing. Josiah rolled over, holding her still against him, not breaking their close contact, until they lay on their sides. He looked into her face with soft eyes, loving her with all of himself, not yet sorry for the lovemaking just past. "I can’t regret making love to you," he said softly. "You are the light in my life, Mary. You are everything I want, all I long for."
"I’ve missed you so, Josiah. I’ve wanted you every moment. I love you so! Why have you stayed away? How could you leave me alone, to wonder if you didn’t mean all the things you said?"
His arms tightened around her. "You didn’t wonder. You knew. You will know, forever."
She smiled tenderly. "Yes, you’re right. I knew. I never doubted you for one moment." She hesitated a moment, then: "Josiah? Is it all right now? Are you going to be...with me now?"
He dropped his eyes. "Mary, I’ve been drinking…a lot. Don’t ask me important things. Tomorrow, all right? Go to sleep now."
"I wish I could. I wish I could stay here with you, in your arms...I’ve missed that so much, sleeping in your arms. But Billy’s alone. I have to go, right now." She began to disengage herself from him, but his arms tightened, keeping her against him.
"I can’t let you go! I can’t!" His grip was frantic.
"Yes you can. Until tomorrow, my love, only until tomorrow. Go to sleep. I love you." She pulled herself away from him slowly, breaking their intimate connection regretfully, and got up. His hands followed her, keeping contact as long as he could.
"Go to sleep," she said again, while she straightened her clothing and smoothed her disheveled hair. She bent over him to kiss him and whispered once more, "Go to sleep. I love you. Tomorrow, love."
As she turned away from him and started for the door his face whitened and his eyes closed; he couldn’t watch her go. No, not tomorrow…not ever. Not ever again, my love…my love… With a great rush of grief he heard the diminishing rustle of her skirts across the floor, and the soft, final click as the door closed behind her.
********
In the morning he was gone. He left a letter; she found it pushed under her door.
"No…oh no, Josiah!" Tears had begun to run down her cheeks after the first sentence. "Oh, my dear, my love, don’t do this. Oh please!" The tears came faster as she realized that he was gone forever. She knew his iron will. He would never come back.
There
at the door where she had opened his letter, Mary crumpled helplessly to
the floor and wept brokenhearted, for her lost love. And there Billy
found her an hour later, still sitting on the floor by the door.
Her tears were past; she sat white faced and unmoving, staring into a bleak
future.
"Mama? Watcha doin’ on the floor? I’m hungry, mama. Are we gonna have breakfast?"
She looked blankly at him for a moment. "Yes...yes, Billy. We’re...going to have breakfast." She rose mechanically, put her arm around her son, and started for the kitchen.
*********
It got easier after the first couple of weeks, but not much. During that time she dreamed about him nearly every night. In every dream he was going away, leaving, not saying goodbye, not listening to her, not caring what she wanted to say, disappearing into darkness, gone...gone. She woke Billy twice, crying out "Wait! Oh wait!"
The dreams stopped after awhile; she was grateful for that, but the pain didn’t go away. After a month she was so inured to it that she didn’t notice it much when she was busy or talking to someone or reading. Unless she read poetry; she found quickly that she couldn’t do that at all.
She tried to help herself. She joined the ladies’ sewing circle, although she couldn’t sew at all, and had very little interest in learning. The ladies laughed and talked, and she forgot about him for an hour or two. She went riding for exercise, or to deliver a newspaper, medicine or groceries to anyone sick or shut in within five miles of town. Fresh air and exercise seemed to help.
She spent time with Billy. He was the best medicine of all, his face was the only one that drove Josiah’s from her mind for any length of time. But Billy could not be the answer to her pain. One sunny afternoon at the end of August, she realized that she was monopolizing too much of his time. He looked up from the puzzle they were working on together and said hesitantly, "Mama? Can I go outside now?" He had important business of his own, and summer’s freedom called him to be outside with his peers. When he was gone, she put her head down on the puzzle and cried for a long time.
*********
Chris wasn’t surprised when Josiah disappeared. He knew what had happened. He had watched Josiah, seen his pain, and wondered from the beginning how long he was going to be able to stand it. The other five wondered and worried about Josiah, and speculated on where he was. One afternoon during a break in the daily poker session Vin asked Chris what he thought about Josiah’s long absence. Glad of the opportunity to settle any further inquiry, Chris answered at more length than usual. "I don’t think he’s comin’ back. I’m pretty sure I know what happened, and I think he had good reason for leaving. I’d’ve done the same thing. It’s nobody’s business but Josiah’s and it’s not something we can help, so I guess it’s just…over." He looked around the table at five concerned faces, and saw nodding heads. Nothing more was said.
When the game broke up, Vin stayed behind. "You worried about Josiah, Chris?"
"Some. He’s pretty much on the ropes."
Vin hesitated before he spoke, reluctant to betray a confidence. "I been wonderin’ about him too, if he’s all right. He was drinkin’ pretty hard before he left.
"The thing is, Chris, I don’t like to mention this, because I...I told him I wouldn’t say nothin’. But…well…he’s got someone, a relative, over at Vista City, that he visits. If we set a watch for him I bet we could snag him when he goes to see her."
"I don’t know what good we could do him anyway, but...well, now I think about it, I guess I know something that might help at that. Do you know somebody over there who’ll watch for him?"
"Yeah."
Chris thought for a minute.
"Do it. Have them let us know about it if they see him, but don’t
let him know." He stopped, then added, "...Tellin’ me was right,
Vin. This could help him."