Rosemarie Hauer's SUNLIGHT
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CHAPTER FIVE
“I’m ready,” she said, for lack of anything better to say. For a moment he remained where he was, just holding her gaze. Then he bent to take up his bag. Reaching for his cloak, he strode over to where she stood and took her pack, holding it up for her to shoulder it. “Let’s go then,” he said simply. Catherine didn’t move. “Vincent, we need to talk.” He threw back his head, releasing an inaudible groan. “Look, I really don’t mean to put such a strain on you. If my presence is a problem, then I’d rather not come with you. I...” He stilled her words by cupping one palm around her shoulder. “Please not now,” he implored her. His eyes were dark with emotion and for a moment she thought she caught a glimpse of the old closeness in his gaze. “The others are waiting,” he added softly. His hand slid down her arm and he took her hand, sending a ripple of happiness through her. She looked up at his thoughtful expression, wondering what was going on in his mind. “It’s a long way,” he said. “We really should be going.” They left the chamber and joined Joshua and Rebecca who were waiting in the study. “Please take great care,” Father admonished, concern tingeing his voice. “Father,” Vincent replied, placing a soothing hand on the old man’s shoulder. “I’ve made that journey many times. It is laborious, yes, but not really dangerous.” Father sighed. “God speed, children,” he said, squeezing Vincent’s hand before dislodging it from his shoulder. *
They walked for quite some time with Vincent leading the way and the
others following behind. They didn’t talk much since everybody was busy
concentrating on the difficult task of hiking underground. After what seemed to
be hours Catherine began to feel really tired. Furtively she glanced at Rebecca
who was walking beside her. The young woman’s expression betrayed nothing but
concentration and determination. Suddenly Vincent stopped and turned.
“This would be a good place to rest,” he said, indicating a side branch of the tunnel. The floor was even and appeared dry. Vincent retrieved a torch from the sconce in the wall and lit it. Gratefully Catherine stripped off her backpack and sat down on the floor, watching fondly as Joshua helped Rebecca remove hers. “You’re very quiet tonight, my friend,” Joshua said to Vincent “You’ve hardly said a word since we all met up. Is something wrong?” Vincent shook his head. “I’m all right.” After a small pause he added, “The way will get more difficult from here and there will be some hazards to contend with, so we must stay alert and take great care.” Catherine and Rebecca exchanged a look of mild alarm, but Joshua put a reassuring arm around both of them. “Don’t worry, we’ll look after you. You’ll both be okay. We’re going to take it slowly, right, Vincent?” Vincent nodded his head. “I’m sorry, I did not mean to alarm you, merely to advise you to be cautious and to watch your step at all times.” After leaving the resting place Vincent was soon required to take the lead and they walked single file since the way was too narrow to walk abreast. Catherine had expected that their journey would be a little like mountain climbing, but in truth it was very different from that discipline. Only the steepness compared. Of course it was the darkness, the unrelenting absence of light, which made these alternating ascents and descents so radically unlike any sort of surface travel. Vincent was obviously very much aware of the problem. “This is supposed to be an enjoyable experience,” he said after a probing look into Catherine’s face. “We aren’t in any hurry.” He turned up the light of his lantern and settled it on a small flat ledge protruding from the wall. He carefully adjusted the flame so that it brightened most of the triangular space. Everybody removed their backpacks and placed them against the wall in order to lean against them. Catherine was a bit doubtful as she eyed the truly small area. They all sat down and Vincent and Joshua took Rebecca and her between them in order to prevent them from falling off the ledge. Catherine tried to ignore the sweet tingle of excitement that went through her at the feel of Vincent’s thigh brushing hers as he rummaged through the contents of his pack. “For now we have to be careful with our water,” he said, “but later there will be springs, crevices in the rocks where cool water flows into small natural pools. There we will replace our supplies. The place where we will camp for the night will be fit for building a fire with charcoal and wood which Joshua and I brought along.” He leaned forward a bit in order to glance over at Joshua, adding, “At least that’s what I hope.” Joshua laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ve got everything you asked me to bring.” Furtively Catherine turned her head. She’d never seen Vincent’s profile from such a small distance — from practically no distance at all. The light from the lantern enhanced the planes and angles of his unusual face, and she wondered fleetingly what it must feel like to touch those bristled cheeks. Suddenly she found her eyes locked to his as he regarded her solemnly. She held his gaze bravely, asking herself for the hundredth time why he always gave her a feeling as if he knew exactly what she was thinking. They’d been walking for another hour when Vincent stopped and said, “The campsite where we’ll spend the night is just down the tunnel.” Joshua groaned. “It’s about time.” They squeezed through a crevice and walked up a slope. Finally the tunnel widened into a spacious cavern. Everyone took a deep breath, and indeed the air was better up there, as if there were a source of fresh air close by. “That is where we will set up our camp,” Vincent pointed out, indicating a smooth, even place with a circle of stones which obviously served as a fireplace. “There is water close by and we have enough firewood to prepare a warm meal.” Everyone unpacked what they needed for the night and Vincent told them to place the sleeping bags as close as possible to the fire he was going to build. “If you’d like to wash,” he said, “there’s a river nearby. The water is clear but quite cold.” Turning to Joshua, he asked, “Please would you show them the way?” “I’d be delighted to,” Joshua replied with a smile. Catherine and Rebecca followed Joshua down a short passageway and into a cavern where the waves of an underground river lapped gently against its stony banks. Joshua searched his pockets for matches and lit a lantern that hung on the rocky wall. “I’ll stay close by,” he reassured them, “in case you need me to come to your rescue.” Catherine and Rebecca exchanged an amused look. Their amusement faded, though, as they felt the temperature of the water. But it couldn’t be helped. Walking for hours had made it necessary to at least wash up thoroughly. The sight of the black surface of the water wasn’t exactly appealing, but Catherine told herself that it had to be safe, or Vincent would never have sent them here. By the time they were finished with their evening toilet they were both shivering. Joshua guided them back to the campsite where Vincent had prepared a simple meal and some tea. They sat down around the fire and Catherine looked over at Vincent, thinking how generous he was, how caring, how...wonderful. He raised his head and his eyes met hers for a lingering moment. “Vincent and I were still teenagers when we first came to this place,” Joshua broke the silence. “We dreamed of building a life of our own. Father’s rules had become oppressive in our eyes, so we planned on founding a colony of the tunnel world, so to speak. Unfortunately we didn’t get any further than this place where we spent a few pleasant days, planning and dreaming. But then I became sick and poor Vincent was frantic with worry what to do. I can’t remember most of that time, because my fever was really high. Suffice it to say that Vincent saved my life. He took intensive care of me and after a few days I had recovered enough that he could leave me alone for a while in order to call for help. Although everyone was glad to have us back again, they punished us quite badly. We weren’t allowed to see each other for weeks and sentenced with the Silence.” “What’s the Silence?” Catherine inquired. “If you are sentenced with the Silence, no man, no woman and no child will speak to you for at least a month,” Rebecca explained. “Sounds rather harsh to me,” Catherine said thoughtfully, imagining a young Vincent all alone in his chamber with no one to talk to and exchange thoughts with. Vincent shook his head and his long hair flowed gently with the movement. “During that time books were my only companions,” he said. “It was hard, but I got used to it in the end. Books are windows to every part of the world you choose, and I opened every one of those windows I could lay my hands on.” Joshua chuckled. “I could hardly catch up with him when we finally met again. I had done quite some reading myself, but he was so full of thoughts and ideas, of new insights and conclusions that it overwhelmed me quite a bit.” Catherine tried to imagine the two of them at that age as they stuck their heads together and shared their souls and minds. They finished their meal in companionable silence and then everyone settled down for sleep. Later as Catherine lay in her sleeping bag, glancing over at Vincent who slept peacefully under a patched blanket, she remembered the first time she had seen him when she had taken a wrong turn and ended up in his chamber. She hadn’t known him then, and yet she’d felt something happening within her as she had looked at his sleeping form. She’d been confused and frightened, and yet she had felt the urge to go to him and touch him, talk to him, ask him for help. Gradually her thoughts blurred and she fell asleep at last. *
Catherine awoke in complete darkness and it took her a moment to
remember where she was. She felt for the flashlight at her side and turned it
on, directing the beam to the floor in order not to disturb anybody. She
glanced at her watch and saw it was almost 9 o’clock. Must be 9 a.m., she
thought uncertainly. Rebecca and Joshua were still deeply asleep, but Vincent’s
sleeping bag was deserted. With a yawn she decided to start her day and grabbed
soap and towel in order to wash up at the river. She felt quite brave as she
walked down the dark corridor alone, armed only with a flashlight.
After making sure that the bathing place wasn’t occupied, she loosened her clothing and bent to wash her neck and face. She brushed her teeth and as she straightened to towel herself, she froze. There was a series of splashes out there in the water and Catherine felt panic welling up inside her. Shaking off the stupid feeling, she strained her eyes to look more closely. Out of the darkness came Vincent, wading toward the bank and her. In the meager light of the flashlight she could hardly see his face, but she was aware that he was looking at her intently. Then he stopped, the waterline just above his navel. His wet hair cascaded across his wide shoulders and Catherine did her best not to stare at his bare chest. “I’m sorry,” she managed, lowering her gaze. “I didn’t know you were here.” Hastily she picked up her things to leave and give him privacy to dress. She could hear soft sounds of splashing water as he left the river. “Wait,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” She turned to look at him, still uncertain what to say. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you either,” he added, correctly assessing her momentary emotional state. But her embarrassment quickly shifted to admiration as she looked at him standing there with only a towel around his hips, his splendid chest still heaving from the exertion of swimming. The last thing she wanted was to make him uncomfortable, so she raised her eyes to his and met his gaze calmly. “You see,” he said quietly, “my face and hands are not the only things that indicate...” He paused, obviously struggling for words. “...that indicate animalistic traits in me,” he finished at last. Encouraged by the soft tone of his voice, she took a few steps toward him to see his eyes more clearly. He looked troubled and very vulnerable. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Do you think that a certain amount of body hair indicates animalistic traits?” He cast down his gaze. “Sometimes I don’t know what to think. Sometimes the border seems to be a very fine line.” Her heart went out to him and she wished she could pull him close and comfort him. At that she was concerned he might get chilled in his state of undress. The temperature in the corridor was quite low. “I’m not cold,” he said, and she was finally certain that he did read her mind. He was the most amazing human being she had ever met and it tore at her heart that he of all people should have doubts about his humanity. “It’s not the lack of fur, claws and fangs that makes a human being,” she said. “You know that.” He stared at her in bewilderment, but then his face broke into a grin. “Maybe I am feeling a bit cold after all,” he said, and she could see his mood had shifted. They exchanged a glance of mutual understanding, and then Catherine turned and walked back to the fire place. A giddy feeling of happiness was bubbling up inside her as she thought of the days ahead and of being so close to the man she had fallen hopelessly in love with. *
After a long day’s hike they set up their evening camp in a cavern much
smaller than the one they had used the night before.
Meeting Vincent’s eyes over the rim of her mug, Catherine thought how things had changed between them since their encounter at the bathing place. He appeared more open now, more relaxed. And he obviously wasn’t afraid of being alone with her anymore. “You should sleep now,” he admonished gently. “It’s been a long day.” She glanced over at Rebecca and Joshua who were soundly asleep already. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to sleep,” she replied. “There’s so much on my mind.” He gave her a long, thoughtful look and she wished she knew what he was thinking. “If you’re not too tired, I would like to show you something,” he said quietly and Catherine’s heart skipped a beat. “It’s close by and it won’t take long.” She nodded her agreement and he rose, holding out his hand to help her up. His palm was warm and dry and she savored the brief contact before he released her again. All he took from the campsite was a lantern. She knew he did it for her sake, because he needed no light to find his way down here. They walked side by side across the cavern. Finally he ducked into a tunnel and she followed behind him. Suddenly the tunnel seemed to come to an end and Vincent stopped, indicating the wall in front of them with a movement of his head. “We have to climb a little,” he said, and she was amazed at how much she trusted him. She didn’t have the slightest doubt that she’d be able to manage, because he thought she could. He climbed up before her, placing the lantern onto the upper edge of the wall. Then he returned to her, explaining where to set her hands and feet. It wasn’t as difficult as she had thought and the fact that he was climbing closely behind her, his hands at either side of her body, was very reassuring. When she pulled herself over the edge, Vincent acknowledged her accomplishment with a nod and a smile. “It is not far from here,” he said as he picked up the lantern again and took her hand. She walked behind him silently for a while, and when he finally came to a halt, she felt excitement welling up inside her. They had to squeeze through a crevice followed by a low crawlspace, and suddenly the narrow passageway widened into a spacious cavern. Catherine straightened and Vincent held up the lantern for her. She looked around her in awe. The relatively smooth walls were covered with wall paintings that reminded her of the art of Native Americans. “What is this place?” she asked in a hushed voice, looking up into Vincent’s face. He shrugged. “I’m not sure. I discovered it by accident when I was on my way to the crystal cavern once.” He was whispering, too, as if this place were sacred somehow. She turned to face the painted walls again and then closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. The air didn’t smell stale at all, so there must be some ventilation here. She listened into the silence and suddenly all thought was driven from her mind as the soft tones of a flute reached her ears. “Did you hear that?” she asked excitedly. He smiled indulgently and shook his head. “No, but I heard something when I first entered this place.” “What did you hear?” she demanded anxiously. “Something like a tune, a soft melody played on a flute,” he replied quietly. Involuntarily Catherine grasped the sleeve of his tunic. “Are you frightened?” he inquired softly. “No, but very excited,” she answered truthfully. There was a strange feeling in the pit of her stomach as a gentle breeze came seemingly out of nowhere and ruffled her hair, sending a shiver down her spine. Still, she was not scared. There was a definitely positive vibration there that wasn’t spooky at all. “Who did the paintings? What do you think?” she whispered. “An old soul,” came the low reply. Catherine nodded in agreement. “Yes.” After some moments of reverent silence she asked, “Do you think we could study those pictures more closely?” Vincent held up the lantern once more and led her across the soft, sandy floor. She allowed her eyes to wander over the murals that ran across the walls in lines like in a comic book. “It’s a story,” she said with dawning realization. “About a woman and a man,” Vincent added with fascination, placing the lantern on a nearby boulder. “Who are separated and search for one another,” she continued and he nodded his agreement. “Look,” she said, pointing up at the first picture. “It is as if initially they had been one being.” Astonished she turned around and stared up into Vincent’s face. “That’s like Plato’s story.” He met her gaze calmly. “That story is probably as old as mankind and not an invention of the ancient Greeks.” “Probably,” she said thoughtfully as her eyes returned to the story before her. “What do you think that one means?” she asked, indicating a drawing of the man kneeling on the ground, holding his heart in his hands. When no answer was forthcoming, she turned around to look at Vincent. His eyes were deep and dark as he whispered hoarsely, “It may mean longing, yearning, the pain of impossible dreams.” The anguish on his face tore at her and she took his hand, squeezing it gently. “I know the feeling,” she confessed shyly, lowering her eyes in the hope he wouldn’t feel uneasy with an admission as personal as that. He remained silent and she simply didn’t have the courage to look up at him. Instead she turned to the wall once more. “What a pity that the artist didn’t get to finish his work,” she heard herself say in a small voice as she looked at the last picture of the woman standing on a hill, looking up at the sky. Vincent’s body brushed against hers as he stepped up to the wall and traced the contours of the painting with one clawed finger. “How sad,” he said huskily. “How lonely.” “Maybe it is finished after all,” she ventured. He turned toward her, cocking his head as he stared at her curiously. “What do you mean?” Catherine held his inquiring gaze with hers. “Maybe it is the story of the artist’s life. Maybe he didn’t find his other half,” she suggested, swallowing the lump in her throat. Studying the picture once more, Vincent replied, “Or maybe the reunion is impossible in this life. Maybe it takes place...beyond the limits of the physical world.” “Probably,” she murmured, fighting back the irrational urge to hide from his sight and break into tears. “Come,” he said, gently placing one hand on her shoulder. He retrieved the lantern with the other as he led her toward the exit. After a few moments of walking in silence she asked, “Why did you show me this place, Vincent?” Vincent stopped but kept his gaze downcast, avoiding her eyes. “I’m not sure. Maybe I....” His voice trailed away and he sighed. Suddenly she understood. The man who was standing before her held his heart in his hands, offering it to a dream seemingly as unreachable as the skies above. He didn’t believe in his own rainbow because he had grown up in the darkness of an underground world without ever having had the chance to walk in the full light of the sun. “All humans are lonesome,” he said quietly and she didn’t doubt for a moment that he was aware of her train of thought. “Their completeness is taken from them the moment they are born. Maybe even before that — who knows.” “And then the quest begins,” she mused, “and it’s a lonely one.” He pulled back and looked down on her with a sad smile. His eyes left hers for a moment as he studied her features. She reached up and cupped her hands around his face. He closed his eyes, obviously savoring the soft touch of her palms. She felt giddy with joy that he allowed her to touch him so freely. “To touch and be touched,” he murmured quietly. “Such a simple thing, and yet so dangerous.” She was heedless of the tears running down her cheeks. He framed her face with his hands and wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs. For a long moment they stared at each other wordlessly and the faint hope that he might kiss her played around the edges of her mind. But he just cradled the back of her head in his palm and pulled her close. “There are things,” he whispered, “too beautiful to be true. Things that must not be…that cannot be…not with me.” “Things like what?” she asked defiantly, although she could guess all too well. She struggled to free her head from his tight clasp because she needed to see his face. His hold slackened immediately and his arms fell away. Quickly she reached for his hands to reassure him she didn’t mean to pull away completely. He studied their joined hands before he replied to her question at last. “Desire. Passion. Completion.” Her heart constricted as she acknowledged her longing for those very feelings inside herself, and suddenly she felt as if a weight on her chest made it impossible for her to breathe. “What about friendship?” she managed with effort. “What about tenderness?” Slowly he locked his gaze to hers. “I will only bring you pain,” he said, his voice so low that it sounded strange to her ears. She shook her head in denial, opening her mouth to contradict, but with a swift motion he withdrew one hand from her grasp and placed it softly over her lips. Gently he shook his head, whispering, “Friendship will never be enough…and yet it is all I have to offer.” “Why?” she asked, dislodging his fingers from her mouth. “Because,” he said quietly, “my world is a world of darkness. I cannot give you the colors you love so much.” Before her mind’s eye she saw the drawing of the man with his heart held high above his head, offering it to a ray of light from above, and suddenly she remembered the piece of quartz Vincent had given her. How it had sparkled beautifully with all the colors of the rainbow when she held it towards the sun. The thought that this was something he had never seen all but choked her. She was certain, though, that somewhere deep within him he had always known about the beauty of the crystal and its potential to shine. He had never spoken about the photograph she had put on his desk, and she had never asked, hoping he would talk about it when the time was right for him. Slowly she raised her head and when she looked into his stormy eyes the anguish she saw there took her breath away. On impulse she rose on tiptoes and pressed her mouth to his. His lips tasted of tears as they moved hesitantly over hers, and the sigh he released filled her lungs as she inhaled deeply. The kiss they shared was one of desperation, and yet she felt as if his soul brushed against hers. With the furred backs of his fingers he feathered a caress against the side of her neck before he released her and took a small step in retreat. At first she was almost afraid to meet his eyes, but when she dared at last, all she saw there was peace. They exchanged a shaky smile before starting back toward the campsite. *
Vincent appeared thoughtful but relaxed as they sat together by the
fire, sharing their morning tea. Catherine didn’t mind that he was very quiet.
She contented herself with looking at him, glad he didn’t seem to mind her
scrutiny.
When she looked up, she caught Joshua watching her with fond interest. She cast him a quick smile and rose to help Rebecca with clearing away the remainders of their breakfast. “I can’t remember being that tired when I made this trip for the first time,” Rebecca said, massaging her neck. “Joshua is carrying most of my things already, but still...” Catherine smiled. “I know. I’m beat too. I guess it’s the excitement that keeps me going.” Rebecca straightened and looked searchingly into Catherine’s eyes. “Excitement, huh?” Catherine lowered her gaze demurely. “I can’t thank you enough for making me come.” “Don’t thank me, thank Joshua,” Rebecca replied and the look she sent in Joshua’s direction didn’t go unnoticed by Catherine. “You like him a lot, don’t you?” she inquired softly. Rebecca returned her attention to the task at hand. “You know it’s strange, but I can’t remember feeling this way about him when we were teenagers,” she said. “He has changed. He was no more than a boy then, and now he is...” “A man,” Catherine offered when Rebecca fell silent. A blush tinged Rebecca’s cheeks and she smiled. “Yes, I think that’s what I mean. Joshua has always been a searcher. I suppose that’s why he wanted to become a priest. He hoped to find God that way.” “But apparently it wasn’t the right way for him,” Catherine said. Rebecca shook her head. “I’m not sure if he has found the right way yet. Something’s the matter, but he won’t talk about it.” Catherine glanced over at Joshua and Vincent who were talking quietly. “I wish I had known them back then,” she said wistfully. Rebecca put a comforting hand on Catherine’s shoulder. “They were awful. They always stuck their heads together, keeping to themselves most of the time, talking about plans and dreams and things they considered inappropriate for a girl.” With a wink she added, “You didn’t miss much. They’ve both improved considerably.” Catherine laughed. “I bet.” They stored away the remaining equipment and returned to the fire place. “We should reach the Crystal Cavern before noon,” Vincent said. I will never forget the first time I set foot in it,” Joshua replied with a faraway look. Suddenly Vincent cocked his head and put down his mug, listening intently into the silence. Catherine looked around her apprehensively, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. “Vincent,” she asked. “What is it?” He put his index finger to his lips and closed his eyes in concentration. Then she could hear it too. A sound like distant thunder made the hairs on the nape of her neck stand on end. She jumped to her feet, knocking over her mug and spilling the tea in the process. The rumble grew louder and before she knew what was happening she felt Vincent’s arm around her waist as he pulled her to the ground. Small pieces of rubble started to rain down on them as he quickly rolled her towards the wall, covering her with his body. From the corner of her eye she saw that Joshua had pulled Rebecca against the opposite wall. But then Vincent put his hands over her face and her perception narrowed down to the sound of his breathing close to her ear. His heart beat loudly against hers as he struggled to protect her from the stones drumming onto his back. For a moment Catherine felt transported straight into a nightmare, but when she realized the noise had stopped and no more stones were falling, she became acutely aware of Vincent’s body on top of her own. Slowly he withdrew his palms from her face and she opened her eyes. The fire was still flickering and as far as she could see no serious damage was done to the place. Joshua and Rebecca were nowhere to be seen. Catherine thought they had probably sought refuge in a side tunnel. “It has passed,” Vincent whispered as if he were afraid his voice could trigger another avalanche of rubble and stones. “I think we were lucky. It’s over.” In awe she looked up at him, watching him as he craned his neck, staring up to the ceiling of the cavern. One of his thighs lay heavily across her legs and his arms were still around her as he tried to assess the situation. A rush of desire surged through her and when his gaze snapped down to hers she thought that it wasn’t so much a bodily experience but one of the soul, an emotion so intense that it took her breath away. She felt him tense and shift his weight in order to push himself away from her. Swiftly she brought up her hand and placed it softly on the side of his neck. It was a small gesture, but one that stilled him immediately. He relaxed, his eyes locked to hers, and she marveled at the wealth of emotions passing over his features. She was faintly aware of whispering his name and then there was only the soft pressure of his mouth, the incredible sensation of his lips moving against hers. His arms tightened around her as he kissed her, shyly at first but with increasing abandon. His breath was hot on her skin as they parted for air. For a long moment he held her gaze before moving away from her. Slowly he sat up, running his hands over his head in a gesture of confusion. Quickly Catherine knelt up and hugged him. “Thank you for shielding me with your body,” she whispered into his ear. He turned within her embrace and tenderly rubbed her back before releasing her. “Please be careful,” he warned, and the plea in his eyes left her wondering what he was referring to. She cupped her palm around his cheek and leaned her forehead against his, a gesture meant to calm and settle him, but he tensed and pulled away. “I am not only what you see,” he began without preamble and she all but flinched at his voice. “No one is just what others see,” she countered. He contemplated her reply for a second before he continued. “That’s true, but in my case being what I need to be is...more complicated.” She shifted her weight in order to look at him more closely. “What do you mean?” “Vincent, Catherine, are you all right?” Joshua’s voice startled them apart. Quickly Vincent got to his feet. “We are. What about you?” “We’re fine. Boy, that was close.” “We’d better break camp,” Vincent suggested, a deep frown creasing his brow. Joshua nodded thoughtfully and they all walked back to the fireplace to retrieve their packs. Rebecca had picked up the remaining two mugs and stored them in Joshua’s pack. “Let’s go,” she said with a glance at Catherine. “Are you all right? You look pale.” “I’m fine, thanks,” Catherine replied, but she was glad Vincent took her hand when they started walking at last. *
They had been hiking for hours, and from the empty feeling in her
stomach Catherine assumed it must be close to noon. Suddenly the tunnel widened
into a vaulted cave and Vincent stopped, indicating the even floor.
“This is a good place to set up our camp,” he said. “The area surrounding the Crystal Cavern is steep and narrow, and there is no possibility to make a fire.” “It’s not far from here anyway,” Joshua interjected. “And the comfort of this place is definitely worth the walk back and forth.” Catherine slumped to the ground with a sigh of relief. She was too tired to care. All she wanted at the moment was sleep. Vincent cast her a concerned look. “We will eat and rest before we go on,” he said, squatting down beside Catherine to help her out of her backpack. When he unrolled her sleeping bag, she lay down immediately and closed her eyes. “You should eat now,” she heard Vincent’s voice close to her ear. When she looked up, she realized that she must have napped for a while. The fire was burning and Joshua and Rebecca were already eating. Slowly she sat up, fighting off the feeling of disorientation that enveloped her drowsy mind. Vincent handed her a bowl of soup and obediently she began to eat, although she didn’t feel hungry at all. From time to time she glanced over at Joshua and Rebecca who were deeply engrossed in some lively conversation. She noticed a new and deeper closeness between them, and it warmed her heart to catch the meaningful looks they exchanged. Memories of the kiss she and Vincent had shared sent a pleasant tingle down her spine. She wished they had had more time to talk afterwards. If only Joshua had come a little later... As she leaned forward to pick up another slice of bread her hand brushed against Vincent’s. She looked up and glimpsed a question in his eyes as he gazed at her intently. Joshua’s voice pulled them back to the present. “Vincent, you’ve got to help me here. Rebecca and I have been discussing the topic of soul mates and I wonder if you still remember the conversation you and I had on soul mates once?” “It’s been a while,” Vincent replied. “What do you want to know?” “I’m not sure,” Joshua said. “Rebecca tells me there are several kinds of soul mates.” Vincent nodded. “At least that’s what the book I read said. First, there are those with whom you share a certain goal or project. You feel very close to those people, but when the goal is reached, when the things you met for are accomplished, you part again.” Joshua nodded. “Now I remember. Then there are those with whom you share a karmic bond which means you shared parts of your previous lives and created all kinds of karma together which need to be resolved in this life. If it’s a joyful or painful relationship depends on whether it was good or bad karma you created.” “And finally there are true soul mates,” Vincent continued in a low voice, “who are two halves of one whole.” Joshua stared pensively into the flames. “And how do they know?” he asked quietly. “How do they recognize each other?” Vincent stirred the embers of the fire. “You can judge by the intensity of your emotions,” he mused. “If you shared a common goal first and fall in love gradually, it’s most likely the first category.” “If it’s ‘love at first sight’ with thunder and lightning and everything, it’s probably the second or last category,” Joshua threw in. “And how do you distinguish those two?” Rebecca asked. “You can’t tell for sure, at least not right away,” Joshua replied. “To explain that more thoroughly, I would have to digress a bit.” “Please do,” Rebecca implored him. Catherine thought she glimpsed reluctance in Joshua’s eyes before he began to speak. “Duals are truly one — like two sides of a coin. Their spirits, hearts and minds flow from the same spiritual source. Their unity is as deep as the sea. Your dual is not only the mirror of your spirit and your entire consciousness, but of your very soul as well. Of your most secret yearning and hope that can only be filled by one single entity in the whole universe.” Joshua’s words evoked a gamut of intense emotions in Catherine. She glanced over at Vincent and caught his silent regard. Quickly she cast down her gaze. “When you look at relationships around you,” she remarked, staring into the fire, “you get the impression that there aren’t a lot of soul mates out there who found one another.” “That’s true,” Joshua said and Rebecca nodded in agreement. Joshua began to speak again and Catherine found herself listening with utter fascination. “And sometimes it simply isn’t enough for duals to meet. If they don’t meet on the same planes of consciousness, they can’t coexist either.” “Now I’m confused,” Catherine admitted. “I thought once you meet your soul mate you’re saved.” Joshua smiled. “Even if you met your soul mate, there still may be a long way to go for the two halves before they can truly be one. A human being exists on seven levels, but not all of them are equally developed in all people. If duals followed different paths, they may have reached different levels of consciousness.” He paused for a moment, collecting his thoughts. “I will outline this concept very roughly,” he suggested at last and when everybody nodded, he continued. “Two people who meet on the physical level alone may experience sexual fulfillment, but no unity. Relationships on that level, if you can call them such, only last for the immediate encounter, seldom longer. Then there’s the level of passion which allows for relationships that last for as long as the passion lasts. Usually they are over when the physical attraction fades. The third level is one of emotions, and if two people meet there, their relationship can last a lifetime. But those emotions can be shaken and crushed by outward circumstances, and people part to form new relationships.” “Most relationships I know take place on those three levels,” Catherine remarked thoughtfully. Joshua nodded. “The fourth level is that of true hearts which involves higher emotions than those on the third level which are almost.. .impersonal. On the third level you have a longing for warmth and tenderness, and any partner who appeals to you can fulfill that, but partners are interchangeable here. On the fourth level that longing becomes personal. You long for the warmth and tenderness and the understanding of a certain person who can’t be substituted any longer. “The fifth level encompasses a deep and more complete understanding between lovers. On that level they are usually able to communicate in ways that others would regard as out of the ordinary.” “You mean they can read each other’s thoughts,” Catherine interjected, thinking of Vincent’s uncanny ability to sense things in her. Joshua nodded. “Level six is a spiritual one, and the oneness you experience there is beyond words. As I understand it, it’s the level where you really become one with your dual without having to incarnate again into separate existences.” “And the seventh level?” Catherine asked quietly, unable to imagine anything higher than what he had just said about the sixth. Joshua inclined his head to one side and smiled. “I believe that’s not only beyond words, but beyond imagining as well.” Catherine’s head spun with all these new and undigested ideas and concepts, and she felt slightly dizzy. Vincent knelt down at her side and placed his palm on her forehead. “I’m fine,” she reassured him. “It’s just that I have a lot of thinking ahead of me.” “So have I,” he whispered close to her ear and she shivered. “Well, let’s go see that mysterious crystal cavern now,” Joshua suggested. She felt the weight of Vincent’s hand on her shoulder. “Come,” he said. “You will feel better there. I promise.” Leaning back, she looked up at him, and the expectant expression on his face made her heart wide with joy. It was a very pleasant walk without the heavy packs. The last part of the way required quite a bit of concentration. They had to go down on their hands and knees to pass through a low crawl space which opened into a wider and higher tunnel. They straightened gratefully and Vincent pointed up along a rough rock wall to an opening overhead. “Up there,” he said, his voice hoarse with emotion, and Catherine was awed by the enormity of his gift to take her to a place so sacred to him. He started pointing out hand and footholds to Joshua and Rebecca, but Catherine felt too drained and dizzy to pay much attention. Groggily she sat down for a moment. From the corner of her eye she became aware that Rebecca and Joshua had begun their ascent, so she tried to get to her feet as well. Suddenly Vincent’s hand was on her shoulder, squeezing gently. “Rest a little,” he said solicitously. “There’s no hurry. The crystals won’t disappear.” Catherine turned her head in order to look at him, and he crouched down to meet her gaze. “I think Joshua and Rebecca will appreciate having a moment to themselves,” he said. “The sight is quite overwhelming.” Catherine nodded her understanding, glad she was given a moment to gather her strength. “Once I was in a shop where they sold crystals and gemstones,” she said. “They had a big geode of amethyst there. It was breathtakingly beautiful and I stepped closer to look at it. Suddenly a wave of soft tingles washed over me and I blinked my eyes incredulously. I extended my hand toward the geode and the tingling intensified. It was amazing.” Vincent slid to the ground beside her. “It is like that in there, only much more intense, because the crystal cavern is one gigantic geode. And what’s so miraculous about it is that there are four different kinds of quartz in there.” “Usually they contain just one or two,” Catherine said, and he nodded. “But here you find not only crystal quartz and amethyst, but also citrine quartz and smoky quartz.” “How beautiful,” she murmured, fighting back a sudden wave of nausea that threatened to rise. Instantly Vincent was on his knees before her, scanning her face intently. His palm was cool against her face as he brushed away loose strands of hair from her cheeks and forehead. Then he reached for his canteen and poured her a cup of water which he held to her lips. Catherine grasped his wrist as she drank thirstily. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she mumbled apologetically. “I’ve been looking forward to this place so much.” “You’re tired,” he said. “The energy field that surrounds and protects your body is weakened. The vibrations of this place are very intense and they affect you quite strongly. Rest a little and soon you’ll feel strong enough to climb up there.” He settled against the stony wall and pulled her into his arms. She leaned on him gratefully, absorbing his soothing aura as if she were a dry sponge. His presence permeated her as she drifted on a cloud of drowsy contentment. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to sink deeper into the moment of closeness they shared. “How are you feeling?” he inquired. “Wonderful,” she mumbled, suddenly aware that he was sustaining her with energy from his own life force. Catherine didn’t know how she knew but she knew. “How do you do that?” she asked curiously. “I’m not sure,” he replied. “It just happened. Energy seems to flow quite freely between us.” A wave of intense emotion moved through her and she shifted her weight in order to put both arms around Vincent and hug him tightly. He returned her embrace but she could feel that he was holding himself at a distance — not one of space because they were sitting as close as two people possibly could. Yet there was a certain rigidity in him that told her he wouldn’t turn to her fully, he wouldn’t allow passion flaring between them. Catherine accepted that without any further thought. In a way she understood his need for self-control completely as if he had explained it to her in great detail. She knew he wanted her close, wanted her on every level — except... She raised her head and looked at him. Except on any of the first three, she realized with aching clarity. He wasn’t ready yet to accept that aspect of their closeness. He didn’t want to. Vincent met her gaze calmly, steadily, and she could see that he was completely aware of her insight. It was as if they were actually speaking about it, and yet words weren’t necessary between them. Catherine thought it must be the sharing of energy which enabled them to communicate that way. That and the fact that such a large amount of crystal energy was close by. “Quartz crystals bring out and enhance everything, the dark and the bright,” Vincent said softly. She sensed resignation in his statement and gently touched his cheek. He lowered his gaze, avoiding her eyes as if afraid of being unable to deal with such an intimate gesture. “There’s dark and bright in every human being,” she replied. He leaned back his head and released a soft groan. “For me...being human has a price,” he replied at last. Her eyes widened in disbelief. “What price?” He kept his eyes lowered as he replied in a soft, husky voice, “There are things that trigger the more primal aspects in everyone. I know that. But in my case they could become a threat to my very humanity.” Gradually the meaning of his words dawned on her and she leaned her forehead against his shoulder. “Oh Vincent,” she breathed, “Do you really believe that making love could ever pull you down?” He shifted his weight and put one finger under her chin to raise her gaze to his. “Not making love,” he said throatily. “But I can’t guarantee that it would always be...love...that guided my actions. If the level of spiritual energy within me dropped too low, I might not be able to feed that in me which makes me human.” “So celibacy is the price you pay?” she whispered. Slowly he took his eyes away from hers and stared off into space before dropping his gaze. “But what has happened between us...,” she began. “...certainly wasn’t wise,” he interrupted her. “It will make things between us much more difficult and painful.” “You know I wanted you to kiss me,” she whispered. His eyes softened. “I know. And it was...very beautiful.” His voice trailed away but his gaze remained locked to hers. She felt a shiver run through her and instantly he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close, warming her. “Vincent?” she asked. “Please don’t think I’m doubting the reasons you have for your decision, but what makes you think celibacy might help you preserve the energy necessary to maintain your humanity?” There was a pensive silence between them before he replied, “For centuries human beings who wanted to reach a higher level of existence chose celibacy as one of the means to achieve it.” “You mean monks and priests?” she asked. He nodded affirmatively. “But not all of them chose celibacy,” Catherine insisted. “Some of the highest religious teachers were married and had in fact large families.” There was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked at her in surprise, but his voice was sober as he replied, “I can hardly compare myself to them.” Why not? a voice inside her screamed, but she bit her tongue. “What about Joshua?” she asked instead. “What was his reason for choosing a life in celibacy?” Vincent thought about that for a moment. “There was a time when his spiritual quest had become the most important thing in his life. I believe he wanted to eliminate every possible distraction, everything that might have threatened his balance.” Suddenly a question rose within her and her heart twisted painfully in her chest at the thought. “Vincent, am I a threat to your balance?” The confusion that passed over his features reassured her. “Catherine, that’s not the impression I wanted to give you,” he said. She released a quiet sigh of relief. “But those men you referred to earlier...” “The monks and priests,” he provided. She nodded her head. “Vincent, I think that most of them avoided women just to avoid temptation. They didn’t want to go through the experience so they walked around it.” He chuckled softly and her heart leapt with joy at the sound. “No,” he said, his eyes caressing her face. “I certainly don’t want to walk around you.” She threw herself against his chest, unable to hold back the tears of relief that spilled over her cheeks. “That’s all I need to know,” she breathed. His arms tightened around her as he whispered, “I don’t know where the dangers lie, or the possibilities. But if you give us time, we may have a chance to find out.” She pulled back slightly to look at him. His gaze was steady and clear, and she thought she had never been more confident in her life that everything was all right and exactly how it should be at the moment. She leaned forward and kissed his brow, and he sighed softly as he gathered her close again, rocking her gently, silently. She savored the warmth and comfort he gave her, wondering how someone with so much innate tenderness could believe the physical expression of his feelings might pull him down in any way. He kissed the top of her head, and she knew he had picked up on her musings yet again. “The intensity of...physical closeness...has always been very frightening to me,” he whispered into her ear. She stared at him nonplussed, momentarily at a loss as to how to take his words. “Oh, I did get to make a few shaky steps in that direction,” he murmured, and she felt her eyes widen in surprise. “Tell me,” she coaxed quietly. “Her name was Lisa,” he began slowly. “We were children together. She was about the same age as I. I remember her laughing face when we played or swam in the mirror pool. She loved to dive and one time she overdid it. I watched her disappear beneath the surface, but she didn’t come up again. I jumped in to dive after her and finally managed to pull her out of the water. I did what Father had taught us all. I gave her my breath to bring her back to life. I will never forget the jolt of electricity that rushed through my veins when I felt her lips under mine. We were fifteen then. Because we were so close, the impossibility of it all wasn’t as clear to me as it should have been. I had seen other members of our community grow from friendship into marriage. I honestly thought it could be that way for Lisa and me. From that day on our relationship changed. I...changed.” Slowly Catherine reached up to brush an errant strand of hair from his face. He grasped her hand and pressed it to his mouth before releasing her again. “Those are painful memories,” he continued. “Memories that remind me every day who I am...and what I am.” “What happened?” she asked softly when he fell silent. He shook his head in a gesture of helplessness. “Lisa tolerated my adoration. She seemed to enjoy my attention and even flirted with me. I remember our dance that winterfest so long ago. How her body moved against mine. How I struggled to suppress my responses to her femininity and how she was aware of it. That night she kissed me... in earnest. It was when I took her back to her chamber. She pulled me inside and wound her arms around my neck, pressing into me. I couldn’t help but respond in kind, and when her lips met mine, I was aflame with passion. I tried to recall Father’s words of caution that I must never get into a situation like that, and I struggled to pull back. Suddenly her hand was there…between our bodies…touching me. My heart stopped in my chest and I gasped for air. My mind reeled. I didn’t know what to do, or how to prevent myself from doing what my body craved to do. And then...” He released an anguished sob and buried his face against his forearms that rested on his knees. Catherine sat up and put her arms around his shoulders, rocking him softly. She didn’t want to know anymore what had happened then, and when he started speaking again she considered asking him to stop. But somehow she felt he needed to talk about it in order to get it off his chest. So she waited patiently for him to find the words that would ease the weight on his heart. “Then I forgot everything but her closeness, her soft, yielding body, her curiosity to know me. Me! — I don’t know exactly what happened, but when I regained some semblance of composure we were lying on the floor, my body on top of hers. She was staring at me with a frightened expression, and there was blood on her shoulder…and on my hand. I lifted my weight off her, realizing with horror that my body had betrayed me. I was devastated, and when she started inching away from me, I jumped up and bolted from the room. I believe I ran to the falls, trying to purge my body and soul in the icy cold water. From that day on Lisa avoided me. I wanted to talk to her, apologize to her, but she made it impossible for me to speak with her alone. I wrote her letters she left unanswered, and one day she finally left the tunnels to start an education above.” Turning his head, Vincent looked at Catherine from tear-filled eyes. “I didn’t know what happened, or what it was that I did to her,” he whispered. “All I knew was that there was something inside me that could not be trusted. I swore to myself that I would be on guard, that no such thing must ever happen to me again.” Catherine’s heart was bleeding for Vincent. She knew that nothing she could say at the moment would change his view of what happened. Suddenly she was able to understand him so much better. Although she thought that what had happened wasn’t really unusual between teenagers, she knew that the fact he had hurt the girl at a moment so vulnerable and fragile, must have ravaged his self-image. But those were things to be discussed later, she decided while she continued rocking him tenderly. She cradled his head against her breast, kissing the top of his head over and over again. “It’s over,” she crooned. “I’m here now. Everything will be all right.” He was quiet for so long that his voice startled her when he finally spoke again. “She came to visit when we were in our early twenties. She acted as if nothing had happened between us. This time it was I who avoided her. The way she looked at me, studied me furtively when she thought I was unaware of it, confused me. I was terrified of what might happen if she ever got close to me again, and so I left the hub for as long as she was there and went to that place deep below our home chambers where I found the paintings on the walls.” Catherine tightened her hold on him, kissing the side of his face. He leaned into her as he continued, “Studying those pictures cleared my mind and my emotions, and I realized that I had never really loved Lisa, that there was just a part of me which had responded to her because it was in its nature to respond like that. On that day I decided that love could never be for me, because it involved the possibility of evoking the threatening part of me that would make me ruin everything I touched.” “Oh Vincent,” she breathed close to his ear. “You know that’s not true.” Shifting his weight he pulled her onto his lap and held her close. “I hope so. I hope so with every fiber of my heart.” |
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