After "No Way Down" Suggestions

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After "No Way Down" Suggestions

by Zara » Sun Aug 17, 2014 10:30 pm

222333 wrote:*
She side glanced him, while drinking with slow gulps. Mopped her mouth, recapped the bottle, put it down. In her eyes, when she looked at him, a vigilant trust. “I listen,” she said.
More usual phrasing might read:

She glanced sideways at him...
She gave him a sideways glance...
She glanced aside at him...

You could try:

She side-glanced him...

Which would introduce a narrative neologism that conveys the image through unconventional English. And which works, in its way. But I know you usually like to be intentional about your word choices.

Also:

"I listen..."

This is also unconventional in conversation. "I am listening," or, "I'm listening," is the more expected response. "I listen" will give Catherine's statement an emphasis derived from interrupting reader expectations.

~ Z

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