| I THOUGHT OF YOU
By Joan Stephens
It had been a year since he had severed his relationship with her and sent her back to the life that she deserved: a year that had taken more than a lifetime to pass. He had been lazing on the ledge beside the waterfall when he suddenly heard her low, sultry laugh and leapt to his feet ready to disappear into the shadows that lined the Chamber of the Falls. Wildy, his eyes darted around the cavern. He was alone and he breathed a sigh of relief. But the locked gates of his memory had been thrust open, and he remembered her as she was the last time he saw her. She had worn her white, lace anniversary dress; she was so beautiful that he had almost changed his mind, but he had dredged up the courage somehow and had told her there was no future for them. Before he could change his mind, he vaulted over the railing into the dark night. Her stricken face was the last memory he had of her. Suddenly he had an unbearable urge to see that she was all right. With the bond closed at both ends, he didn’t know how she was. He had not felt the gentle nudge of her questioning probes in several months. He had to see. So, hoping that she would be alone, he dropped soundlessly onto her balcony. She was standing by the terrace balustrade, looking out over the city, as he had seen her so many times, clad in a cream-colored silken robe. The rustle of his cloak as he straightened caused her stiffen. She knew he was there. Slowly she turned to face him. “Vincent,” she greeted him coolly, no trace of welcome shining in her eyes. At one time, she would have rushed to embrace him and to be in his arms, and it left him with a cold feeling when she didn’t. “Catherine,” he responded, matching the tone of her voice. She didn’t ask him why he had come to her balcony. Instead she waited in icy silence for him to speak. Now that he was here in her presence, he knew what a mistake it was. All it did was bring back the pain of loving her so much, and he became tongue-tied, his silver-tongue deserting him. Finally, he stammered, “I - I know that it’s late; I’m sorry. I should leave.” “No, that’s all right. You had a reason for coming here tonight. What is it?” Feeling rather foolish for having come here without thinking it through, he said, “I’m surprised to have found you at home.” “Contrary to your opinion of the busy life I lead, I am at home most evenings. I lead a rather quiet life, one I’m satisfied with. I seldom go out during the week; I’m much too tired. Besides,” she waved a dismissive hand, “there’s nothing important going on tonight to take me away from my home.” “I was hoping that you would be alone.” She looked at him sharply. “Why?” “I don’t know. I thought of you today and how your smile could lighten my darkest day.” Now why did he say that? She turned away from him, hugging herself tightly. “And I wanted to see you and find out for myself how you are.” Her voice floated on the evening air, “I’m fine,” she stated flatly. “It was hard at first, but it’s become easier over the months. I keep busy with my work, my friends, and my charities.” “There is no one special?” “No.” She turned back to him. “What do you want, Vincent?” “I just wanted you to know that I’m always here for you: any day, any night, any time.” “Thank you,” she answered woodenly. “I know it’s over, Catherine, but I can’t change the way I feel: the way I feel safe in your arms.” “Stop it,” she cried, shocking him into silence. “You’ve done this before, Vincent, pushed me away then wanted me back. Well, I can’t do it again. I won’t be hurt again. I did what you wanted. I left and made a new life for myself. I’ve forgotten about our dream; I let it die, just as you wanted me to. And now you come to me and tell me that you can’t change the way you feel? Well, get over it!” she said, harshly, her face a mask of controlled bitterness. “I did. I can live the rest of my life without you and your puling doubts about whether you’re worthy of me or not.” She was on a roll and couldn’t stop and all her pain and sorrow poured forth. “It made no difference to you what I thought. You took it upon yourself to be the only one who had the right to decide what would happen with us. Not me. You’ve decided. Now go and leave me to the life you’ve decided is best for me.” Each word cut his heart into smaller and smaller pieces. He’d had no idea that she would feel so passionate about his ending their affair. He had grossly misjudged her and her commitment to him and in the process had alienated her so much, that he didn’t know if he could ever mend the breach he had caused between them. He stared at her in amazement as she crumpled into one of the leisure chairs close by her. Covering her face with her hands, she tried to stifle the sobs that threatened to break loose. It was an impossible task. And soon he could hear her sobs breach the walls of her determination. Hesitantly, he approached her and laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Don’t touch me,” she sobbed as she shrugged his hand from her shoulder. He squatted beside her and pulled her resisting body into his arms. “Shush,” he whispered. “Forgive me, Catherine, I didn’t know.” Oh, the giddy joy of holding her in his arms almost made him forget the last year, and he ran his hands over her lightly clad body in a frenzy of joy. How had he existed for an entire year without her love and her presence in his heart? He had been the worst kind of fool. She brought him back to earth with her next words. “I know,” she exclaimed. “That’s your biggest fault. You never believe what you feel or what other people tell you. I tried and tried to tell you, to show you, to let you feel what I felt, but you never, never believed me, and finally I just got tired of fighting you. I can’t fight you anymore, Vincent. I won’t fight you. It’s up to you what happens next.” All his old insecurities suddenly reared their ugly heads, and he was forced to examine each one closely. In the light of the past year without her, they didn’t seem so insurmountable. He knew with a certainty that he had never felt before, that he wanted a life with her in any way possible. He raised her tear-swollen eyes to his. “Catherine, listen to me. I’m only a man . . .” She sniffed at this as she nodded her agreement. “And I’ve made some terrible mistakes, but loving you is not one of them. I love you with all my heart. I’m so very, very sorry. Can you forgive me for being so stupid?” She looked at him with wide, green eyes and nodded again, unable to say a word. “This past year,” he continued, “I thought I was living, but when I look back on it, I find I was only existing.” “Me, too,” she blubbered. “I don’t care how we arrange it; I want a life with you: Above; Below; you here, me there, I don’t care. I only know that I don’t want to be separated from you again.” As he said these words, he could feel her presence take its rightful place in his heart. “Can we . . . will you accept me as I am with all my frailties and flaws?” “Oh Vincent, that’s all I’ve ever wanted: to love you and to have you love me.” Taking his face in her hands, she kissed him softly then more intensely as her heart once more came back to life with all the love she had locked away. Joyously he returned her kiss as he realized that he had at last overcome all his fears of a complete life with her. Never again would they be locked away from each other in an unfulfilling life. Together they would always find a way to their happy life.
Fini
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