by Jessie Gurner
Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. Millicent Esmerelda Lucretia.
No, your vision isn't playing tricks on you. I'm a cat.
An honest-to-goodness, tail-swishing, sleep-in-the-sun, shed-on-your-black-sweater, eat-your-favorite-plant,
climb-in-your-clean-warm-just-out-of-the dryer-laundry, tabby.
Did I mention I'm also a fairy godmother?
What? You've never heard of such a thing?
Damn fairy tales. Talk about stereotyping. You expect all of us to float around in frilly dresses, wearing tiaras, waving magic wands and turning pumpkins into carriages.
Well, get over it. That sort of sexist, pretentious nonsense is strictly passé. Not to mention absolutely forbidden by Sub-section (A), paragraph (3b) of the Guild Rules and Regulations Governing the Behavior, Demeanor and Comportment of Fairy Godpersons.
I must confess I do sometimes miss the old days when all you had to do was show up, throw a couple of hands of fairy dust and move on. Now we have to worry about things like free will, personal autonomy and relationship potential.
Which leads me to my current assignment.
Talk about a relationship with potential. Wow!
It sounded so simple. A first kiss. I mean, how difficult could it be?
From the moment I read their files, I knew these two were meant to be together. Call it kismet or fate or whatever you like - although personally, I prefer the term magic - it still boils down to this: Take one man and one woman desperately in love with one another. Throw in candlelight, romantic walks, longing looks and warm embraces and before you know it, you'll get a kiss. Right?
Which explains why I'm sitting on a balcony in the dead of winter at freezing my tail off.
Have I mentioned how much I dislike the cold? If not, please allow me to do so now. It's in the top ten of my "Things I Hate, Detest and Despise" list - just below baths and slightly above having to wear a bow during the holidays. To make matters worse, through the curtains on the French doors I can see the inviting warm glow of the fireplace in the living room.
"Vincent, let's go inside where it's warm. There's a wonderful concert on tonight. We can sit by the fire and listen to the music."
Yeeessss! Maybe now we can get things moving in the right direction!
Toward some heat. And I'm not just talking about the
If you know what I mean.
"It's late, Catherine. I should go."
Or maybe not. I wonder if the Fairy Godperson Health Plan covers frostbite?
"Just for a little while."
"Another time, perhaps. I ....."
Non-interference policy be damned! The two are going to kiss and they're going to kiss tonight. They may be stubborn, but I'm a cat. And no one, but no one, can out stubborn a cat.
There! That should do it. I just hope the neighbors aren't frantically dialing 911.
"Please come inside, Vincent. Gingerboots is about to freeze. And so am I."
Before we move on with the story, I strongly suggest you forget you ever heard the name Gingerboots.
In my own defense, and for the honor of my species, I must point out that I would never accept such a demeaning form of address if the rules say we have to answer to whatever ridiculous appellation the client comes up with.
Gag me with a furball!
However, despite the name calamity, I must admit living with Catherine is actually rather pleasant. She keeps plenty of my favorite foods and never shoos me off her bed when I'm napping.
Then there's that tummy tickle thing she does where she rolls me over and .......
Ahem. Never mind. I digress.
Let's just say that if I ever hear you've whispered even one word about this Gingerboots nonsense I will hunt you down, turn you into a white mouse, and drop you off at the nearest pharmaceutical company.
Do we understand one another?
Well, at least we're finally making some progress.
They're inside the apartment snuggled up together on the sofa all comfy and cozy in front of a blazing fire. And.....
Maybe it's time to start looking into career alternatives. I don't recall any of the Tooth Fairies ever having a problem like this.
On the other hand, if I give up now it will spoil an otherwise perfect record.
Oh, what the heck. I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
Even if I do have to bend a rule or two in the process.
What the Guild doesn't know won't hurt me.
Beside, I have seniority. Just let them try something.
Now, let me see. How does that deepest desire spell go? It's been a while since I used it.
Ahhhh. I remember.
There! That should do it!
I hold my breath as Catherine lifts her cheek from Vincent's shoulder and zeroes in her gaze on his mouth.
"Would you ....."
As she leans closer half-formed plans to take off a few days and sun myself on a windowsill in Tahiti float across my mind.
"......like some hot chocolate?"
No doubt about it. Definitely time to start thinking about a new job.
My friend Binky the Chihuahua left the Guild to work as spokesdog for a fast food chain. Maybe I'll give her a call.
"No, thank you, Catherine. I ...."
Here is comes. The old "it's time for me to go" routine. I've heard the excuses so often I can quote them in my sleep.
Father will be worried.
Must prepare the children's lessons for tomorrow.
Yadda, blah, yadda.
Well, you get the idea.
I wonder if Binky is looking for a new partner after that reptile debacle?
Wait a minute!
Vincent's not leaving.
He's putting his arms around Catherine and ...
Not some tentative little teasing brush of lips against lips either.
His hand is tangled in the hair at the nape of her neck and she's gripping his upper arms like she's never going to let go. It doesn't look like they plan to come up for air anytime soon either.
Is it just me or did it suddenly get warm in here?
Very, very warm.
From the looks of things, I'd say it's time for this fairy godmother to hit the road.
I think I'll skip Tahiti and head straight to my next assignment.
After this, whatever they have set up for me will be a piece of cake.
What kind of names are Mulder and Scully anyway?
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