A Silent Knowledge

This evening was no different. Catherine closed the door behind her with a sigh of relief. She let her bag slide to the floor and kicking off her shoes, she collapsed onto the couch. There she sat, trying to clear all thoughts from her mind and doing the one thing that helped after a day like the one she had just been through. As soon as her inner turmoil ebbed and gave way to a peaceful silence -- something she had come to cherish beyond description -- she allowed herself to savor the only change in her life that was not confusing and exhausting, but was intriguing and exciting. Whenever she closed her eyes and listened attentively to her heart, she could feel the slight stirring of a gentle presence within that gave her a feeling of comfort and safety. It was no more than this, a blurred perception of something she couldn’t quite grasp. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to concentrate on it very long, so she would have to watch it slip away, leaving her once more to her doubts and anxieties.

But tonight not even this small comfort would work. It anquished her to feel so empty and yet to know that tomorrow she would have to fill this barren space with other people’s sorrows and pains again. What kind of life was this? Where was the hope?

She couldn’t hold back her tears any longer, nor did she try to suppress the sobs that shook her tired body. No, she couldn’t bear it any longer. Not this time. She needed to talk to the one person whose nearness would never be a bother to her, the one person whom she trusted to understand without thinking that she was wallowing in mere weakness and self-pity.

She was just about to rise and head for the door as she heard a familiar tapping on the window pane. She turned toward the sound just in time to see a solid shadow retreat to a less illuminated corner of her balcony.

“Vincent!”

She hurried to push the door open, and with a soft cry she flung herself into his arms. Now that he was here, no words would come and none were necessary. But there were more tears and more sobs.

His voice was muffled against her hair. “Shhh, I know, Catherine. I know.”

Surprised, she looked up at him intently. She knew he was able to sense what she felt, but never before had he known the cause of her emotions.

“Catherine, I have been feeling it in you for quite a while now. I know how hard it is for you and what you are going through because I’ve been through it myself. That is why I didn’t come to you sooner. If we had talked about it too much, you wouldn’t have been able to find your own way toward it and through it.”

“What do you mean, Vincent? Please tell me! I need to know. Do you know what is happening to me?”

Slowly, he shook his head. “It isn’t that easy. You must answer these questions for yourself. I’m only here to help you deal with the answers you might find.”

Drawing a deep breath and releasing it slowly, she said, “I haven’t even changed my clothes yet. Vincent, please will you stay and wait while I take a quick shower? I do need to talk to you about the last few weeks.”

At his nod she headed off for the bathroom, calling back over her shoulder, 
“Please make yourself comfortable. I won’t be long.”

She had expected to find him where he always was while he waited for her to finish some mundane task before joining him again -- on the balcony. But when she came back to her living room, firmly toweling her still dripping wet hair, she found him perched on the edge of her writing table, studying a framed childhood photograph of her standing in front of a cabin, a radiant smile on her face.

Catherine froze, not daring to trust her eyes. Vincent put the frame back on the table and rose, meeting her wide-eyed gaze with the slightest of smiles. “We do have to talk, Catherine, and it may take quite a while. I don’t want to be responsible for your catching a cold out there, especially while your hair is still damp.”

He reached out one large hand as if to touch the wet strands, but withdrew it immediately. Within the flash of a moment Catherine sensed his uncertainty and his embarassment as if they were her own. She dropped the towel on a nearby chair and shook her face free of the damp tendrils, only to feel that this movement did nothing to ease Vincent’s tenseness. She felt as if she were able to perceive herself through his eyes, standing before him in her soft sweater and tight jeans, her hair playing loosely about her face. At that instant, she knew with absolute certainty what she had only assumed so far, and what might have been wishful thinking. Vincent wanted her, wanted to draw her into his embrace, to touch and caress her, to...

The connection broke abruptly as Vincent averted his gaze, and all she could feel now was that he was fighting the urge to bolt from the room. Her astonishment was clearly reflected in her voice as she asked, “It’s the bond, Vincent, isn’t it? Is this how you feel what I’m feeling? I ... I don’t know what to say. It’s ... overwhelming.”

“Yes, but also quite embarassing at times,” he conceded, mustering a faint smile.

She stepped into his arms, burying her face in the folds of his vest and tightening her embrace even more as she felt his head come down to rest lightly on top of hers.

“Why now, Vincent?” she whispered breathlessly. “Why only now, after so many months of knowing you?”

“I don’t have an answer, Catherine. I suppose there is none. This isn’t anything that can be explained or controlled, at least not directly. All you can do is learn to live with it, with all of its wondrous possibilities ... and its pains.”

“Will you teach me, Vincent? Please?”

“There is nothing about it that can be taught. It lives within you, maybe within many people, but in most cases it certainly remains dormant and neglected.”

She tugged at his hands eagerly. “Please sit with me and tell me everything you know. But first get out of your cloak. It’s far too warm in here for this kind of outfit. Don’t you agree?”

He smiled and shrugged out of the heavy garment, folding it and placing it carefully over the backrest of a chair. Then he followed her to the couch and sat down beside her. Hugging her knees against her body, she looked at him expectantly.

“When I was a child,” he began, “I wasn’t aware of the specialness of my empathic gifts. I thought it was something all people had in common, like seeing and hearing, for example. It was only when I grew older that I began to wonder how people could be so rude and thoughtless to one another, although they certainly must feel what they were doing to others. It took me some time to realize that my empathy was a unique gift ... and a lonely one.”

Catherine felt his sadness at the memory stir within her own heart. Placing a gentle hand on the back of his furry one, she squeezed lightly, silently, for she knew that there was no use in trying to soothe his sadness away.

Returning her soft squeeze he continued, “So, you see, I can’t come up with a first-time experience, but what about you? Do you remember when you felt it for the first time?”

She mulled over his question for a while. “I’m not entirely sure, but the strongest sensation I can recall was when you and Father were buried in that cave-in. I had a clear sense of your concern and your fear then, although I didn’t know immediately what it was. It started with a dull ache in my head. All of a sudden, I couldn’t concentrate on anything...” Her voice trailed off with the dawning realization that her current emotional unbalance might be the result of her opening up more fully to their bond.

“What was it that told you it was me you were feeling then?” he interrupted her line of thought.

“I don’t know for sure. Something deep within me responded in an indescribably familiar way. I suddenly knew. That’s all I can say. But, Vincent…”

“Yes?”

“Ever since the cave-in I have been feeling changes within me. It’s awful. I’m not myself anymore.”

“I know, Catherine. What you’re experiencing right now is the blossoming of our bond, and that makes you more susceptible to the emotions of everyone around you. It’s very hard in the beginning. You see, it’s not only a gift, it can be a burden as well.”

“How can you possibly know what I’m going through right now? I thought you didn’t remember your beginnings.”

“Every newcomer to our world is a new beginning, Catherine. I wish I could tell you that your being overly sensitive will diminish in time, but there will always be new beginnings along your way. The only possibility of avoiding them is to close yourself off. If you do it too often, though, you might gradually extinguish a part of who you are. But it is your choice. No one can take that from you.”

Catherine rested her head on her knees, trying to absorb the enormity of what she had just learned. Closing herself off -- how tempting when she thought of the inner turmoil of the countless people she had to deal with every day. But then another image came to her mind: Vincent, standing before her, so fragile in his desire to caress her, so vulnerable in his belief that he must not. Her heart was overflowing with love for him, and she knew that she would endure anything as long as she could be this close to him.

Slowly lifting her head, she met his loving gaze. He had a silent knowledge of what she had been thinking and to what decision she had come. It was there -- in his eyes -- and she felt its resonance in the pit of her stomach. She came up to her knees, cupping his face with her hands. “It’s worth everything, Vincent,” she whispered, “everything!”

He merely pulled her closer and she felt how the weight of her body lying across his chest affected him. His breath stirred loose strands of her hair and grazed the skin of her neck enticingly. She sensed his mounting desire to drink in her warmth and her softness with his palms and lips, but at the same time she felt his hesitancy to deepen even this innocent embrace.

Why, she asked herself fleetingly, didn’t he dare touch her when he surely must feel her need to be touched by him? Drawing back slightly, she conveyed the question to him with her eyes.

His voice was hoarse with the intensity of the moment when he replied, “Catherine, it’s just that I’m completely inexperienced in how to give my love to you other than in cherishing and protecting you as I have done from the moment I found you. Yes, I’ve sensed your longing for ... more at times, but I was uncertain how to give it to you. The power of my own feelings, the response of my body, frightens me and so I’ve always tried not to act on those feelings. But now ...“ His voice trailed away and he shrugged helplessly.

“Now you can’t hide them from me any longer,” she continued, running her fingers tenderly over his forehead and through his tousled bangs. As he nodded solemnly, she placed a quick kiss on his temple. “What is it that truly frightens you so, Vincent?” she asked.

He disengaged his gaze from hers and looked away. “I’m afraid that my desire might offend you, that my needs might taint our love somehow, that my passion might sever our bond by flooding and overloading my senses with its power. Catherine, I wouldn’t be able to live with it if I ever did anything to you that don’t really want.”

The fact that he trusted her enough to make so intimate a confession brought tears to Catherine’s eyes. Carefully, she touched her hand to his chin, lifting his head and gently forcing him to face her again. “That could never happen, Vincent,” she spoke softly, “because deep in my heart I know that our bond is stronger than anything. You don’t have it within you to want something that could offend me.”

“How can you be so sure?” he replied. “You don’t know me, Catherine. Not all of me.”

“But I will, in time,” she smiled, tenderly stroking one corner of his mouth with her thumb, “if you just let me.”

“This choice has been taken from me now.” He sighed, stilling the motion of her hand by covering it with his own.

“No, Vincent, not entirely,” she said, a hint of sadness coloring her voice. “You can still shut me out if you wish to.”

At that, he tilted his head, shaking it slightly. “How could I ever wish to do such a thing? Catherine, the touch of your soul against mine is one of the most subtle and intense caresses I ever thought possible. It heals the yearning in my heart, sustains me, and makes me whole.” His voice sank to the barest whisper as he added, “I could never again live without it.”

His words evoked such a deep and radiant happiness within her that she could barely contain it, and the surge of her emotions was mirrored in the blue depths of his eyes. He pulled her onto his lap and cradled her against his chest. Nestling closer in deep contentment, she shut her eyes and listened to the silent hum of his soul where he had been making love to her from the very moment he found her in the park months ago.

His spirit was a soft glow deep within her and hers a flame that warmed his trembling heart, speaking to his body of caresses and pleasures undreamed of. She opened herself to the sweet stirrings of desire that crossed between them through their bond, savoring the silent knowledge that from now on they would truly be together.