A MATTER OF WANTING

by Nightwalker87

The music had been wrong. How could she have played that tape?Catherine angrily chastised herself for the mistake. How? How?How?

Grudgingly, she acknowledged the recalcitrant inner voice. It hadnot been a wrong choice exactly. It was a good song-the lyrics wereromantic and the singer's voice could melt the ice off the snow capsof Antarctica. Overall, she had enjoyed the cassette despite the onesong that made sleep impossible. She was certain insomnia had beenthe artist's intent when he'd recorded the song.

"If only I could read your mind

I could heal your broken heart

I could liberate your thoughts for all time

I wanna love you

I wanna care

But there's not a thing that I can do

Not until you say that you want me . . . "

The lyrics played themselves back in her head for the 16th time asshe rolled onto her back to stare at the ceiling. The words continuedto reverberate as though her head had become an echo chamber.Sighing, she recalled how the lyrics

had quietly eroded the relaxed feelings the other tunes hadevoked.

"I'm not ashamed to say to you

You're all I've ever wanted . . . "

She rolled to her side and glanced at the bedside clock. It read2:00 a.m. and she groaned as the words bounced around in her head.Those two lines said it all about them. She wanted him because shedeeply loved him. The longing for his touch, for him, had to becontained until the time was right. However, at the moment, thegnawing throb deep within her abdomen said the right time wasnow.

"So turn around

Come to me now

Is it worth it all

Depends on love."

She moaned at the truth of the words. She wanted him to come toher because it was worth it-to him, to her, to them. The depth oftheir feelings knew no other path.

Frustrated, she threw the covers back and got out of bed. Withoutturning on a light, she moved into the kitchen where she clicked theoverhead light on the stove on. On autopilot, she rummaged around thedraws and refrigerator preparing warm milk.

"I know it's fine to want

Though it's easy to say that you don't . . . "

Oh Vincent, she pondered, how much longer, my love? How many morequestions must you ask yourself before you have the answers you seek.Time is running out, my love. I know that even if you do not. Therace against yourself is almost over. I wonder, do you know it? Canyou feel it? Every time I look into your eyes, I see it. Each timeyou hold me, I hear the quickening of your heartbeat and feel thedeepening shivers of your desires. Are you listening to your body? Doyou understand its message?

The smell of milk beginning to burn forced her thoughts outward.Turning off the burner, she poured the liquid into a mug. Picking itup, she turned the light off and walked out the kitchen. Instead ofreturning to the bedroom, she made her way up the dining area stepswhere she stood looking out the terrace doors. Her thoughts onceagain turned inward, blinding her to the stars above and the faintnight sound below. Periodically, she slipped the cooling milk.

"Do you spend every moment

Trying to hide out

From the way you know you truly feel?

You can try to fool somebody else But you're lying to yourself."

What is going to happen, she mused, when you can no longer hideout Vincent? We promised never to lie to each other. However, lyingto ourselves was never discussed. But it would have been the harderbargain to keep. It is all too human to lie to oneself for whateverreason.

Yawning, she stretched her arms upward, shaking over the stiffnessof prolonged inactivity and patted down the stairs and into thebedroom. After settling back under the covers, she groggily looked atthe clock. It read 3:15 a.m. and she vaguely realized that she couldget four hours sleep before the start of the work week. It wasenough. It had to be.

She burrowed deeper into the covers. The words of the song werenot distant, muted. As she drifted off, one line of the song remaineda faint echo in her mind:

"I know you want to . . .

I know you want to . . .

I know you want to . . .

I know you want to."*

Catherine smiled in her sleep.

THE END

*"I Know You Want To" by Luther Vandross from the album "Any Love"owned and produced by Epic Records in 1988.