THE LIST

by JoAnn Baca

"Here's my list."

Vincent looked uncomprehendingly at the pieceof closely typed paper which had been thrust into his hands, then upat Catherine. He had been sitting at his writing table, wrapped up inhis latest journal entry, when she had burst in without so much as a"May I come in?" His discomfiture was compounded by the fact that hehad been thinking about her to the exclusion of all other thoughts,and had been so immersed in his musings that he hadn't realized shewas Below until she was almost upon him. It was disconcerting to him,even though such occasions were blessedly rare, when she managed tosurprise him like this. He always needed some time...perhaps "advancewarning" was too strong a phrase...to prepare for their encounters,to steel himself against the onslaught of emotion which always filledtheir Bond whenever she was near. But not only was this visitcompletely unexpected -- it was entirely bewildering, at least sofar. What was she talking about? What list?

"Catherine? I...do notunderstand...."

She plopped herself unceremoniously onto hisbed, so that he was forced to turn and regard her from a ratherawkward angle. She would not budge. Ultimately, he was compelled torise and move his chair so that he faced her. Because she was perchedon his bed, which was set on a raised platform, he had to tilt hisneck slightly upward to meet her eyes. He had lost the subtleadvantage of height which improved the odds when dueling for controlwith this strong-willed woman, and he was distinctly aware that shewas inwardly congratulating herself on having stolen his physical"high ground." Catherine increased her upper hand by leaning forwardon her elbows, causing him to press further back in his chair in hisdesperation to maintain a proper distance between them. She wasenjoying this entirely too much, but he was at a loss as to what todo about it without conceding defeat by standing and walking away. Hedecided to, as Kipper would so gracelessly put it, "suck it up" anddeal with it.

"I know you don't understand, Vincent, butyou will. Remember my friend Edie? Whenever she has a difficultdecision to make, she makes a list. On one side she writes down allthe reasons for a certain decision, and on the other all the reasonsagainst it. It helps her to see in black and white all the argumentswhich otherwise would be spinning in her head very unproductively.She says it often clarifies a situation so readily that the rightdecision becomes immediately obvious. It's an excellent idea, and oneI think might help us with an important decision we've beenavoiding."

His confusion now complete, Vincent lookeddown at the paper in his hand for enlightenment. What he sawastounded him.

Across the top was written Decision toMake: Shall I Move Below?

Below that, the page was split into twocolumns, headed "Reasons against" and "Reasons for." His eyes movedto the single item listed in the Reasons against column.

1. Vincent's stubborn and frightened and thinks my life Above should mean more to me than it does and I'll have to put up a tremendous battle with him to convince him he's wrong &emdash; about everything but his love for me.

The Reasons for column had many more itemslisted.

Reasons for:

1. I love Vincent.

2. Vincent loves me.

3. We should be together.

4. I'm not truly happy when I'm not with him.

5. I don't believe he is truly happy if he is not with me.

6. Vincent is more important to me than anyone and anything else in my life.

7. I am willing to make any adjustments in my life to accommodate being with him.

8. I am strong enough to battle with Father over this -- with Vincent's help.

9. I deserve the best in life, and Vincent is the best.

10. Vincent deserves the best in life, but he'll probably settle for me.

11. I have skills I can contribute to my family Below.

12. My family Below is just that -- my family.

13. I love candlelight, William's tea, discussions at Council meetings, the children's recitals, the waterfalls, the best seat in the house for concerts in the park, the sound of Vincent's voice late at night (and early in the morning).

14. There would be less risk for Vincent if I spent more time Below.

15. I love my job, but it's taking too much of a toll on both of us; I have marketable skills and can find another job easily.

16. My apartment is a dangerous climb (Vincent's not getting any younger).

17. I'm not getting any younger.

18. I love Vincent.

19. I love Vincent.

20. I love Vincent.

As he stared at the bottom of the page,Catherine leaned forward and whispered, "Actually, the 'reasons for'list is longer, but it was kind of getting repetitive there at theend, so I cut it off at 20." She was so close to him as she spokethat her breath stirred the ends of his bangs. They fluttered againsthis eyelashes, causing him to blink. When he blinked again, it was tokeep the tears which suddenly welled in his eyes from spilling. Butwhen she knelt before him and softly kissed his trembling eyelids,the tears overwhelmed his control and slipped unheeded down hischeeks. When he opened them again, he saw that the bravado which hadcarried Catherine this far had deserted her now -- she was gazing athim with a look of such naked pleading that his heart constricted.There was really only one thing to say.

"Catherine...I fear...you have made amistake."

Her eyes closed and she braced herself forthe inevitable disappointment, for the fruitless argument to come,for the despair which threatened even now to overcome her. Vincentraised a hand and gently stroked her cheek, causing her eyes to openwide in astonishment. Banishing her introspection with that touch, hehad her complete attention now.

"This list is incorrect. I will fix it foryou."

He stood then, and moved back to his writingtable. He took up his pen and marked upon the paper, then sat againand handed it back to her. Catherine willed herself to face whateverhe might have written.

Across the "reasons against" column, Vincenthad drawn a heavy black "X."

Brimming blue eyes met overflowing greenones, and the list was dropped forgotten to the floor.